She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
