i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
