all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
