Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
