he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
