If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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