Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
