You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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