Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
