I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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