All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
