And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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