my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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