Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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