look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
