remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
