I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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