roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
