my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
