Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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