Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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