There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
