Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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