I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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