the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
