On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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