I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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