I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
