Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
