Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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