if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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