i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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