I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
