Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
