I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
