I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
