So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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