somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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