what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
