Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
