Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
