my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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