Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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