I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
