Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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