If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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