He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
