I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
