Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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