i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
