I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
